Supporting people with dementia – looking after yourself

As everyone will tell you, looking after yourself is important. But sometimes, it's hard to prioritise self-care without feeling bad. 

After a few unsuccessful visits, I started to notice the things that didn’t work. On days where I was busy – rushing to get there, distracted by other stuff, or trying to do too many things at once – the visits went badly. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, which meant I wasn't up for it.

Here’s my advice for looking after yourself, and the person you’re supporting: 

• Plan ahead to free yourself up.
• Slow down to a pace that works for both of you.
• Keep things simple.
• Avoid multitasking.
• Concentrate and notice what works.
• Enjoy the moment.
  
  

Image credit: Freepik

If you're really not up for it, it’s best to postpone the visit or ask someone else to go instead.

When supporting a person with dementia, holidays can be stressful. For me, the worst part was guilt about not being around for the regular visits and phone calls. Over time, I came up with ways to make holidays easier for Mum, and for me.

Keep the ‘run-up’ short – mentioning the holiday too soon can cause unnecessary anxiety. For people experiencing memory loss, it may be helpful to avoid raising the subject until a few days prior.

Simplify the information – don't over-complicate things, just provide the basic facts. I’d ask myself, “What does Mum need to know?” The answer was simple – who’s going away and when, where you are going and when you are coming back. I would go through this information with Mum, then type up a large-print version and put it in a place where she and the rest home staff could see it. 

Accept offers of help – with longer holidays, family and friends sometimes ask if they can help out. Don’t dismiss them, saying it will be fine. Instead, work out some small way they can help fill the gap your absence will create. You might want to put any replacement visits in a calendar, as a reminder for the person being visited. 

Let the staff know – even with an itinerary, the person you're supporting is likely to wonder where you've gone. My strategy was to mention my holiday plans to as many key staff as I could. I also emailed information to the manager of the facility, copying in relevant people.

Send regular updates – while you're away, emails are great for keeping in touch with loved ones. On long holidays, I sent an email every week or so, asking staff to print them out and give them to Mum. The news was fresh, immediate and Mum could read it over and over. She could also talk about it with staff.