Sex and ageing

1. Keep fit and healthy

Getting regular exercise and eating a healthy diet is good for your overall health. But it also helps you with your sex life by giving you energy and stamina. It may also help prevent any sprains or strains.

2. Include pelvic floor exercises

Strengthening your pelvic floor muscles with regular pelvic floor exercises can improve your ability to have sex. A strong pelvic floor –the layer of muscle that stretches from your pubic bone in the front to your tail bone at the back – also improves bladder and bowel control.

3. Have realistic expectations

Remember you’re not young anymore and the sex life you once had is not the one you’re likely to have in your golden years. It doesn’t mean it won’t be as good, it might just be different.

4. Take your time

Take things slowly. As you age, your sexual responses may take longer, which can open the door to new types of experiences. Set aside more time for foreplay.

5. Make it romantic

Foreplay doesn’t have to be physical. It can be something that enhances your emotional connection, such as a romantic dinner or listening to music you both enjoy.

6. Educate yourself

Take some time to read and research articles about sex in later life. There’s a whole lot of information and self-help books that you and your partner could read – either separately or together.

7. Use lubrication

For women, vaginal dryness is a common problem as age sets in due to changing hormonal levels. Lubricating gels and liquids can help. However, if that doesn’t work, talk to your nurse or GP for advice. There are hormonal-based prescription creams and pessaries that can make the world of difference.

8. Impotence/erectile dysfunction

For men, erectile dysfunction (inability to maintain an erect penis) can be more common in later years. There are medications that can help. If it’s an ongoing problem, talk to your nurse or GP for advice.

9. Maintain physical affection

There are many ways to connect sexually. It’s not just about intercourse. Certain physical limitations in older age may mean you need to think differently about how to give each other physical pleasure.

10. Experiment

With many years of experience under your belt, you may have an increase in confidence in the bedroom. This may allow you to relax more, have more fun and try new things.

If you have any concerns relating to your sexual functioning, physical or emotional, please talk to your healthcare provider.

Don’t treat sex as a taboo subject

If you have a partner, talk openly with them about any changes you are experiencing or what might be different while being intimate. Get advice if you need it. Speak to your GP, find a menopause specialist or clinic for advice, research the issue and check out information available from organisations like Age Concern(external link) and Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa(external link). 

Check in with your healthcare professional

If you sense a change in your own desire, or that of your partner, don't assume they aren't interested in you any more. Sexual desire can be affected by medications, chronic illness, changes in your body including hormone depletion, and poor general or mental health. But lowered drive or desire does not have to be normal, or expected, so seek the advice of your GP if you have any questions.

It might also be helpful to talk to a therapist, either alone or together. Find someone who has training in helping people with sexual problems.

Ageing as an LGBTTQIA+ person

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Takatāpui, Queer, Intersex and Asexual people might find it harder to reach out or access the resources they need as they age. In Aotearoa New Zealand it is illegal to discriminate against anyone, including because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. This means that healthcare and services for older people must be accessible, fair and non-judgmental for LGBTTQIA+ people.

Practice safe sex

Remember you can catch a sexually transmitted infection at any age, so you should still be sensible about sexual activity and take precautions. This is especially important if you are dating or not in a long-term relationship. Talk with your healthcare provider about ways to protect yourself from STDs and infections during your regular check-ups and if you have any concerns between visits.

Know your rights

If you live in a rest home or in a healthcare facility, there should be a policy about your rights to privacy and to share a bedroom with your partner. If you are considering aged care or moving into a retirement community, make sure you inquire fully about the support they can offer you.

With the right communication and support in place, you can expect an active and enjoyable sex life as you age.

• Keep fit and healthy.
  
• Keep working on your pelvic floor exercises – this applies to both women and men. A strong pelvic floor also improves bladder and bowel control.
• Use lubrication – for women, vaginal dryness is a common problem as age sets in due to changing hormonal levels. Lubricating gels and liquids can help. However, if that doesn’t work, talk to your nurse or GP for advice. There are hormonal-based prescription creams and pessaries that can make the world of difference.
• Impotence/erectile dysfunction: For men, erectile dysfunction (inability to maintain an erect penis) can be more common in later years. There are medications that can help. If it’s an ongoing problem, talk to your nurse or GP for advice.
• Take your time: Even if your sexual responses take longer, intimacy is much more than just the act of intercourse itself.
• Have realistic expectations: Remember you're not as young as you were. It doesn't mean the sex won't be as good, it might just be different.
• Experiment: With many years of experience under your belt, you may have more confidence in the bedroom. This may allow you to relax more, have fun and try new things.
• Maintain physical affection: There are many ways to connect sexually. It’s not just about intercourse. Certain physical limitations in older age may mean you need to think differently about how to give each other physical pleasure.