Supporting someone who is seriously unwell

When someone you know is sick or has been diagnosed with a serious illness it can be hard to know what to say or do.

Many people with a serious illness might find it tough to talk about it or ask for help, but as whānau or a friend, there are plenty of ways you can be there for them.

This information can help in other situations. For example if a friend or loved one has been diagnosed with a life-threatening or life-limiting condition – even if they’re not feeling unwell right now.

Respect their privacy

Living with a serious illness is a personal journey. Some whānau might be open about sharing it, while others prefer to keep it private. That's okay! Let them decide what they want to share. Just let them know you’re there for them. 

Be open to how they're feeling

• Start gently – ask if they feel like talking. Be prepared for them wanting to talk about their treatment or what’s going to happen in the future. But they may prefer not to. Give them your full attention. Make eye contact and avoid distractions such as checking your phone.
• Let them lead, don't interrupt or change the subject. It's their space to vent or share.
• Be prepared for their feelings; they might be sad, angry, or frustrated. Let them know it's okay to express themselves however they need to – tears, anger and all the emotions might be right at the surface. Stay open to what they’re feeling. You can share your feelings too but keep the focus on them.
• Just lend an ear – sometimes the best support is simply being there to listen without judgement. 
• Laughter is great. Don't be surprised if they crack a joke or use dark humour.
• Silence is okay. You don't have to fill every gap – being there is the most important thing.
  
  

Use your words wisely

When supporting someone with a serious illness, it's natural to want to lift their spirits. But sometimes, well-meaning phrases can fall flat or even feel dismissive. Here's what to avoid:

• Sayings: For example, ''everything happens for a reason", or "one day you’ll be grateful for this life lesson". These can feel meaningless and dismissive of the reality of their situation and how they feel about it.
• Dismissive remarks: Comments such as "but you don't look sick", "you're too young for that" or "at least you have the good kind of cancer" are no comfort for the person going through it.
• Unsolicited advice about treatments and lifestyle choices, eg, to exercise more, or try turmeric for inflammation.
• Victim blaming: Don’t pass comment on the connection between illness and lifestyle, eg, smoking and lung cancer. These comments don’t help the person you care about, especially as they may already be feeling bad about this.
• Being too positive and cheery: Not everyone who is unwell can connect with joy, gratitude etc. Let them know it’s okay to not be okay. Words like "think positive, you'll get through this!" can make it feel like natural emotions of sadness or fear can’t be shared with you, or are signs of weakness.
• Sharing your own story straight away: You may be trying to show understanding, but this can sound like you are asking for sympathy from a person who is having their own hardest time, or that their struggle is less important than yours (or your neighbour's).

Illness can be uncomfortable to talk about for you. If you say the wrong thing you might want to stop talking. This can make the person you care about feel worse. Instead try admitting you made a mistake, say sorry, and start again.

Be respectful of their culture and/or faith

The words and actions that you would find comforting, encouraging or useful may not be the same for someone of another background, faith or culture. This can include talking about their health or emotions. Be open to learning how they would like things to be. If you don’t know, ask.

No matter what someone's beliefs are, even if they’re different from yours, it's important to be respectful.

Much of the information in this section is reproduced with the kind permission of Auckland-based ‘Cancer Warrior’ Emma Jane John. Read Emma’s personal blog ‘How to be a great mate to someone going through cancer’.(external link) 

Image supplied: Emma Jane John 

Be in contact

Send texts, messages, emails or funny memes on social media – just let them know they’re in your thoughts. 

But don’t always expect a reply

You could even say "no need to reply" on your messages so that there’s no expectation to respond. This takes the burden off their shoulders.  Find out what the person you’re supporting would prefer. They might like a family member or friend to keep people up to date on their behalf.

Practical support needed will depend on how well you know the person, the type of illness and how long it's likely to last. Here are some ideas:

• Do the laundry or fold the washing.
• Change the sheets on the bed.
• Mow the lawns.
• Clean their house/car.
• Deliver a coffee.
• Take their kids to sports or activities.
• Babysit.
• Take them to an appointment or to church.
• Do the supermarket shopping.
• Do meal prep.
• Walk the dog.
• Sit with them for a while to let their partner, children or carer have a break.
• Arrange with your boss to do a specific task for your workmate for an agreed length of time, eg, lock up at the end of the day for 2 weeks, or take calls while they're at appointments for 3 months. 

Image credit: Canva

Band together

Consider organising a bunch of people to lend practical support. Start a meal train or roster where meals are taken care of for the whānau. Use technology to stay connected with other people in the support crew – consider a group message for updates, organising practical support like meal deliveries etc.

Don’t dwell on the illness

When you call or visit, check how they’re doing, then move on to something new. Plan an exciting outing for the future (if appropriate), chat about TV shows to watch, make them laugh, do their nails.

But do leave space for them to talk about what they're going through and let them vent their worries and thoughts. 

It’s not about you

Your friend or family member might not have the energy to thank you in the way the way they would like. They also may not feel like talking with you right now, or doing the things you think would be good for them. It’s important that your support comes with no expectations.

If they're grumpy or push you away, remember this can be because of pain or tiredness. Try to take deep breaths rather than reacting. The best gift you can give is your compassion.

Spoil them a little!

Emma has a list of items that helped while she was going through chemo(external link), but they apply to anyone who’s sick and needs a little extra care.

• A mindless TV series recommendation or a subscription to a pay TV channel.
• Puzzles and colouring books for distraction during treatment or hospital stay, eg, during chemo or dialysis.
• Moisturising skin care, lip balm or hand cream.
• A nice journal to write in.
• A few great books or magazines to read.
• Warm, bright socks or a scarf.
• A nice blanket to snuggle in at home.
• Put together an album of photos of shared experiences.
• A living plant.
• A surprise gift to open when they're having a bad day.
• Special outing – tickets to a fun movie with recliner seats or to the pub for the game.
• Take your friend on a gentle walk if they’re up to it. 
   

Chronic means long term. These are the illnesses which stay for a long time, often for the rest of the person’s life. Chronic illnesses often come with limitations in activity and energy which can be frustrating. They may not have any outward signs, which can mean other people find it hard to understand. There are some extra things to think about when the person you're supporting has an illness that isn’t going to go away, or not for a long time.

Ask how they are 

Some people affected by chronic illness may not like to talk too much about how they're feeling day-to-day, but chances are they're still dealing with ongoing issues. Check on them regularly to see how they're doing. It takes less than a minute to send a text or message. You might not always hear back from them, but your efforts to stay connected will likely be appreciated.

Stay connected

People with chronic illnesses can become lonely and socially isolated, which makes their illness worse. Think about what they are able to do (rather than what they can't). Ask them to join you for activities or take your activities to do at their place. If they’re not up to it one time, ask again another time.

Be flexible

Living with a chronic illness may mean there are days when your friend or family member is ‘out of action’. If you’ve planned a catch-up, or they’ve committed to an event and cancel last-minute, it’s often just as frustrating for them to let you down as it is for you to change your plans.

Be informed

Learn more about their illness – if you know about the complexity of their illness it can help you understand the impact of their illness day-to-day and long-term.

Practical support

Asking for support again and again can make anyone feel like a burden. It works well to make your offer of support regular, and something you know you can continue. “I’d like to take your library books back when I take mine back on Wednesdays, would it be okay if I do that until you don’t want me to anymore?” or “I make nachos every second Monday, shall I make double and drop it round to you?” are examples.

If someone you know is getting palliative care, care at a hospice, or is nearing the end of life, it’s more important than ever to keep being there for them and having conversations.  Remember, you're talking to your friend or whānau member, not their illness. How they feel might change day by day, so be gentle and understanding, but show up for them.

Image credit: Canva

 

• Listen to what the person who is dying tells you. They may want to talk about how they feel, their fears or plans. They might want to confide in you about something that’s important, talk about a secret or issue that’s been eating away at them. Take cues from them and help communicate their messages or needs to family and friends. 
• Try to give your friend or loved one a level of control – involve them in decisions as much as possible. Becoming more dependent on someone for their care may be upsetting, or a big change. 
• Try putting yourself in their place – what do you think you’d want or most appreciate from another person? 
• Even if they haven’t been religious in the past, their feelings might change as death approaches. Offer to put them in touch with a priest or minister if they want to, or offer to pray together if they’d like it.  
• Emotions will be close to the surface. Accept that you or the person dying may cry, express anger or lash out. These are very natural responses. 
• Help your loved one put their affairs in order if they ask you to. If they’re able, they might want to write letters, record messages or videos for whānau. Talking about and recording memories can comfort them that they’ll be remembered. 
• Enjoy the good days and make the most of your time together. Think about what you can do to help your loved one live every moment well in the time they have left.  

Just be there. Sometimes it’s the companionship that’s most appreciated – sit together and watch television or read. Even if they're sleeping a lot or not responding to you, they’ll know you are there. Meaningful, caring relationships can give a seriously unwell person comfort and peace in the time they have left.